Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
If its not for food we ain't going out.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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