textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
