I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
