i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
