My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
