i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
soo... how was my night?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
