i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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