any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I will be naked everywhere
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
