Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
