We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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