I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
