I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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