OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
