I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
