Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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