Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
