I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
