my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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