Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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