Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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