Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
