About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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