Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
