she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
