Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you inspire me to be a worse person
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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