She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
