you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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