Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
