mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
