he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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