I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My life is pants optional.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
