what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
