It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
