I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
