dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
