He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
