I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
