you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
