My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
