Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
