so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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