It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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