dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
