I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
