god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
