Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
