So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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