You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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