i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
