drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
