Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
