Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
